Someone's Sparrow

Look for love. Look for it on the faces of strangers shepherding their little ones across the street. Look for it when a stranger passes you on the sidewalk and compliments you on your dress while you’re on your way to a big interview.  Look for it on the noses of dogs that desperately want to make a new friend, with butts wiggling under the force of their whirring tails. Look for it on the kind smile of those who meet your gaze in the grocery store. Look for it when people let you in during a traffic jam. Look for it when you let people in during a traffic jam and they do the cute little wave thing that nobody seems to do anymore. Look for it when Yoopers that you’ve never seen before wave to you just because you’re in their tiny little corner of the world. Look for it when national park ranger Nick tells you and your friends the best backcountry camping spot in all of Wind Cave. Look for it when a barista unsuccessfully and obviously tries to flirt with you when you have a sinus infection and can’t hear anything he’s saying. Look for it when the nice girl in one of your classes remembers your name even when you’ve only spoken maybe twice. Look for it in the tulips that show up in spite of a violent winter and a cruel spring. Look for it when the birds sing to each other, a language just for them. Look for it when a ski bum in the parking lot agrees to take a photo of you and your friends on your ski trip to Wyoming, turning it into an editorial shoot with multiple angles.  

 Look for it when your boyfriend whittles a spoon for your Valentine’s Day present and announces that he has forgotten to buy you flowers. Look for it when his six foot frame curls up in your twin bed next to you, so you can fall asleep with his skin pressed against yours, with your hearts beating in the same time signature. Look for it when he asks to be the little spoon. Look for it when he remembers to leave out the black pepper because he knows you think it’s spicy. Look for it when he shines a flashlight up your nose and fishes out where your nose ring got stuck in your nostril. Look for it when he washes your back in the shower. Look for it when he drives your car when it’s dark out because you have an unfounded fear of night driving inherited from your mother. Look for it when he talks at you about the six hour long documentary he just watched about the rise and fall of the Mongols, or the professional cycling world, or different projections of the globe and how he feels about each. Look for it when he listens to you talk about the X-Files episode you just watched, or a silly story about your beloved golden retriever that you can’t remember you’ve told him over and over again. Look for it when you need him to tell you if the chicken is cooked or not because the thought of salmonella makes you panic. Look for it when you unleash eye-watering, laxative-induced farts during the week leading up to your colonoscopy and he still says that you’re hot. 

Look for it when your grandmother sends you uber-religious books on how to be a Submissive, Godly Woman™ and alludes to the fact that you need to get married in the next year or so (sooner would be ideal). Look for it when she tells you that she’s been praying for you everyday to a God you don’t believe in. Look for it when she apologizes for something that happened seven years ago that you forgot about. Look for it when she takes dinner over to her older sister whose dementia has turned her into someone they both don’t recognize. Look for it when she gets teary eyed with nostalgia when she speaks of her father who owned a gas station and shot her dogs when they got into the chicken coop. Look for it when your grandfather settles on a truce to not talk about Trump or abortion around you. Look for it when he makes custom puzzles and height markers for the families with young kids at church. Look for it when your Memaw rants about the current political state of the world, outraged that her grandbabies have to endure what her generation created. Look for it when she diagnoses you immediately when you mention a slight health problem. Look for it in her food, her signature dishes that magically taste better than everything you’ve ever had. Look for it when she warms up your towels in the dryer so you never have to suffer the chill of stepping out of the bath as a little girl. Look for it in your Pappy’s texts, sparsely punctuated word strings that resemble haikus. Look for it when he plays with your dog even though he says he hates dogs. Look for it when he snowblows the yard so you and your cousins can make an igloo. Look for it when he lets you and your cousins drink water from the hose. 

Look for it when you drive two hours to meet your sibling who shows up violently hungover, but still insists on paying for brunch in between bouts of puking. Look for it when you are the first one they come out to. Look for it when your mom slowly and painfully dismantles every prejudice against queer and trans people. Look for it when she cries for her baby that turned out different than she hoped. Look for it when she puts ridiculously expensive snow pants on our dog so he doesn’t get snow clumps in his paws. Look for it when she watercolors with you. Look for it when you can tell where she is by listening for her impossibly loud laugh. Look for love in the way your parents look at each other, still high school sweethearts after thirty-three years. Look for it when your dad insists on cranking out waffles all morning, one (or three) for the dog and a few for us as we tumble downstairs. Look for it when he starts sewing so he can make clothes for my mom even though he cannot match outfits for the life of him. Look for it when he buys you hipster coffee and takes you to the art museum in the city. Look for it when he gives his old cycling clothes to your boyfriend and fixes up the tandem so you can ride together.

Look for it within yourself, in the way your cheekbones rise like your mother’s and the way you take your coffee like your father. Look for it when you braid your hair. Look for it when you take yourself for walks to look at the old houses a few blocks over when the world seems a little too loud. Look for it when you wear your favorite socks on Mondays. Look for it when you collect your favorite records on the off chance that you have kids and want to prove that you were cool back then. Look for it when you listen to Neko Case religiously and pretend you’re more esoteric and twee than you are. Look for it when you decide that your nose is fine and the cellulite in your butt is also fine. Look for it when you write an essay about the love you look for. Look for it any way you can. It is the god you are looking for but can’t seem to name.